


The Hope in My Heart Each Time I Realise

by sucker_for_a_romcom



Series: squared herself away as she let out a yell [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Episode: s03e13 Heart, F/F, Gen, mentions of Britanna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-20
Updated: 2014-03-20
Packaged: 2018-01-16 08:43:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1339189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sucker_for_a_romcom/pseuds/sucker_for_a_romcom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mercedes is excited about singing a Valentine's song for Santana and Brittany but her world shifts when she tries to plan the performance at her church.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hope in My Heart Each Time I Realise

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in the middle of episode 3x13 - Heart.   
> ETA: I can't believe how well Colorblind by Amber Riley fits this story!

Mercedes was not thinking about Sam. She was just not.

She was not thinking about the look on his face when she had sang to him in the choir room or the way her fingers had ached to reach out and comfort him.  
She was definitely not thinking about Shane and look on his face when she had told him what had happened between her and Sam.  
She wasn’t thinking about how, now that she and Shane were over, she could run to Sam and tell him she had changed her mind; that she wanted to be with him.

And because she wasn’t thinking about anything to do with Sam at all, it was a surprise when an incoming message from him lit up the screen of her phone.

_Joe txt me that he's on bored for Satans song to Brit :) - S_

The text caused a huge smile to spread across her face. She went from _not_ thinking about Sam to thinking almost exclusively about Santana and the song they should sing. Finn had specifically asked for ‘Stereo’ to be sung to Rachel but Santana had left it up to them.  
Mercedes grabbed the pad she kept on her desk for glee ideas and started to flick through the pages looking for the perfect fit. She couldn’t wait to see what ideas Miss Colette, the church choir director, had for a performance. She just knew they could do something really special with enough work.  
Miss Colette loved the glee club. The church choir didn’t compete in anything but Miss Colette saw glee club as a community effort and loved supporting the kids’ achievements. Every time the New Directions had a competition coming up, they got a mention in Sunday’s service and whenever they won, the congregation gave a round of applause.

*

Within an hour she was pulling her car into her church’s parking lot and bouncing up and down in her seat as she scribbled some more notes on her pad that had come to her while she was driving.

The church doors were open as always and despite it being an evening with no service there was light pouring out onto the street. The entrance hall led to the corridor that the offices were on so the whole front of the building shone.  
Glancing into the main worship hall as made her way inside, she could see that most of the lights in there were switched off but the ones down at the front were still on, lighting up Pastor Michaels stood by the altar.  
Mercedes made her way down the aisle, practically skipping, excited to share her plans before she went to find Miss Colette. As he heard her coming, Pastor Michaels turned away from his work and granted her with a large, comforting smile.

“Pastor Michaels! I came to find Miss Colette to plan for our next singing-telegram. My friend Santana asked us to sing one for her girlfriend Brittany and Joe, one of the boys who sings with us, was conflicted at first but now he says he’s onboard and-”

“Mercedes, Mercedes-” She had been babbling, her mouth running off with all of her ideas, pad clutched to her chest. Pastor Michaels was holding up his hands and smiling gently, gesturing for her to slow down.

“Sorry.” She felt a little bashful at having gotten carried away. She normally didn’t speak so much or so freely in front of him. On Sunday’s it was polite pleasantries and when he was offering counsel she was usually more reserved.

“That’s alright. It’s wonderful to see you so passionate about this project. But the choir won’t be joining you in singing to your friends.” There was still a smile on his face and he was using the same soothing tone of voice as always. Mercedes felt a nervous smile pop onto her face in confusion.

“I’m sorry?”

“The choir can’t be involved in that Mercedes. This church accepts everybody but we don’t _condone_ sin.” Her brain couldn’t make out what he was saying. She shook her head slightly and opened her mouth to ask again what he was talking about. Then she noticed his expression was growing firmer by the second.

 

 _Sin_.

Was he saying that Santana and Brittany…

That couldn’t be what he was…

 

That nervous smile on her face became tight and painful. She felt completely frozen except for a slight tremble in the tips of her fingers.

She didn’t understand.

She had known this man her entire life. He had been with her through every major and minor event she had ever faced. He had always been there with understanding and support, shaping and guiding her through. Everything she, in her heart of hearts, believed in - love, compassion, openness - were things she had learned in this building, from this man.  
As she looked into his face now she didn’t see any of these things. She could see conviction and strength but as she looked at him now, the compassion that had always marked his face, was missing.

“Are cubs scouts an abomination?” she blurted out.

His stony expression faltered in confusion. “Mercedes, what on earth are you talking about?”

She didn’t know. Everything felt all muddled in her head. She had thought about what she would say to the choir. She had imagined a few of the older members grumbling about it being two girls but she knew Miss Colette would be backing her up and she hadn’t dreamt she would have to say any of it to the Pastor.

“I mean, Jesus never said anything about people being gay, and the old testament-” she was fumbling over her words, trying to remember everything Quinn had said in the God Squad meeting.

“Mercedes,” the Pastor said firmly, “Your friend is welcome here any time she wants to come but the choir will _not_ be singing for her.” His tone of voice and the look on his face both made it clear that his decision was final. “I will allow people who are looking for salvation to come here but if you think I am sending people from _my_ church out there to propagate _sin_ for those little-”

He stopped at that point. Mercedes didn’t know if he had heard his own words, heard the venom in his tone, or had simply noticed that Mercedes had given up speaking back; she had shrunk down where she stood and she could feel tears welling up in eyes.  
She felt as if the night outside had come into the building. That darkness was bleeding into this sanctuary – _her_ sanctuary. Something inside of her was snuffed out. A light or a feeling - a _trust_ – she had in her world and the people in it, twisted and darkened.

In the past few weeks she felt she had let herself down. The situation with Sam and Shane had seen her do things she never imagined herself capable of and had made her question her own morality. Made her look at how she justified her life and choices to God. She had struggled with the jealousy she felt towards Rachel, the fact that her competitive streak had overpowered some of her concern for her friendships.  
But this – she wasn’t conflicted about this. She didn’t think she ever had been. Her friendship Santana was tempestuous; Santana had a lot of faults, maybe she even _was_ sinful, she could be cruel and aggressive and had a pathological tendency to lash out in self-preservation and her own denial. But she knew that Santana wasn’t wrong for being who she was. She wasn’t _corrupted_. Santana being honest with herself about her sexuality and her relationship with Brittany had only been a good thing. Santana was brighter and kinder nowadays. And Mercedes knew God wouldn’t take issue with that; wouldn’t take issue with love.

Pastor Michaels made an exasperated grumble in his throat and Mercedes realised she hadn’t moved or said anything. She sent steel down her spine and squared her shoulders. She blinked up at him and was pleased to see a flicker of unnerve in his eyes at her expression.

“Okay.”

She turned her back on him without another word and started out of the church. She could stay and tell him he was wrong. She could get bolder and brasher, the way she would at school if someone was disrespecting her friends. But, despite the conversation they had just had, the simple act of dismissing her own Pastor already sent goosebumps rushing down her arms. This was as bold as she could be.  
An optimistic part of her, straining her ears in hope, thought that he might chase her down the aisle; explain that there had been a misunderstanding, that he was the same man she had always known and that she could have a little time longer in the safety of a world that made some sense.

 

He didn’t.

*

She drove home distractedly thinking of solutions; the obvious choice being to sing at Sugar’s party where the choir’s absence wouldn’t be noticed. She already knew she wouldn’t be telling the God Squad or Santana about what had happened. She would think of something to say, she just couldn’t bear the way that it would hurt Santana. Mercedes knew she had mainly asked for the singing-telegram to provoke a reaction because she was angry with Figgins but she also knew that the anger on Santana’s part would turn to devastation - or worse yet, shame – if Mercedes told her the truth.

When Mercedes got home she opened up a message to Sam on her phone and reread the one he had sent earlier. She knew Sam’s dyslexia often caused typos in his text but she suspected ‘Satan’ hadn’t been a mistake. Her heart clenched as she realised that tonight she had felt a fraction of the weight of disapproval from others and disappointment in others Santana had been battling this whole time.

The message to Sam ended up being long and confused, reflecting the state of her mind. She did decide that they were going to give their friends the best Valentine they possibly could. They would pick something fun and kicky that Brittany could dance to. Something romantic and sappy that Santana could release her soft side too. They were going to celebrate love and cherish the fact that the world was changing and Pastor Michaels would be left behind by history.

And Mercedes would just have to push aside her broken heart to do it.


End file.
